Depressing

haih...dunno why recently feel very empty. Suddenly question myself why i always spend most of my time alone. Recently out quite often but still my heart feel nothing. I knew a lot of people but none of them really close to me only a few... a few...most of the time i have to call up "fren" and "beg" them out. If i din call then my phone will silent for whole day. I very scare of being alone.. that's why i always call ppl.. but the more i call the more they things the annoying i am. I don really mean to trouble you guys.. but i really dunno wat to do wen being alone...no one hear wat i saying, no one see me....my secondary sch fren.... those so called good fren or best fren never call me to chitchat.. seldom they will find me for dinner or movie...or even hang out for mamak. I hate to beg ppl out but i even hate being alone...but what else can i do??? i try to be those type of fren u all wan, but it jz look like i cant get into the same circle with u all...I tried... tried so hard to get myself into the loop but why u all jz push me aside...college frens also busy with their job and seldom contact each other. What about family?? I dunno jz feel like m not one of them too..with my brother i don have much thing to chat with and my second elder sister will never call me unless she got some unavoidable issue...Eldest sister is the one who can communicate with me but most of the time i call her she is not there for.. My father is one of the typical chinese father tall less to son all the time. The most i can chat is my mom but seldom talk much recently eventhough i call her almost everyday.. I hate being lonely...why is that so hard to find a partner that i care bout her and she care bout me??!!! i tried to fall in love with some girl but ended up i was the one who look stupid all the time... I don expect anything and i don request anything more that a caring partner. . am i really that bad? I am tired....way too tired...if i could i would escape from here...if go to a new place i will also be alone but at least all the people i know are all uncontactable...stay here is even hurt when u wan to contact them and they just walk away from u......... i m tired of my life!!!!!